It's been quite some time since my last blog. I took a break. I had an opportunity to do something I never thought I'd get to do in a way I never thought I'd get to do it. I gave my testimony, at church, in front of everyone there and the thousand or so online watching from home. I took some time to prepare myself, then after I took a while to process what I had done and what it meant.
What am I talking about?
Well, let me say it. I came out. Again. This time as not gay.
My testimony includes years of me trying to change that one thing about myself, but culminates to learning that it's not about coming clean before coming to Christ, but coming to Christ and letting His will be done in your life. I'm usually very vague about it because it's caused problems for me. People who get mad at me for wanting to change. People who tell me I'm born that way and deal with it. People who think once gay always gay. People who are disgusted by me, labeling me an abomination, no matter what I do.
But I no longer care. I love Jesus. He loves me. I am happy with what is happening in my life and no person can change that. I have found a peace in my life that is incomprehensible.
When I first came out, I was met with mixed emotions. My father wanted to disown me. Friends left. Some friends were very supportive. One reaction stuck with me, though. My friends Spencer and Amber. Amber looked at me and said, no you're not. I think sometimes she has the gift of prophesy. Not future telling, but speaking truth and seeing truth with the gift of God. She was right. They were right. In ways I'm not sure even they knew.
I have been given death threats. I put myself through shock therapy, which scarred me and pained me more than anything. I've gone through so much pain. I'd do it again to find Christ the way I have. But it's hard to overlook. And now that I'm publicly saying it's no longer true, more threats. More comments. More judgement. But I am not afraid.
I'm also not alone on this journey. I have some really good friends who have supported me. But let me be clear. This journey is not about me or anything that I've done. I've done nothing but press into Jesus' arm as hard as I can. This is about God, and His Glory. It's about Him. And I want as much worship and praise as He can get!
So why did I tell you all this? Just to give some background. If you watch, you'll hear my voice shake and crack. Not because I'm scared, but it's hard to relive all those things I've gone through. But I'd go through them again for Christ. You'll understand also why I took a few weeks to gather myself. Just to process and be in the right mindset for God. But I share it with you so you know just how good God is.
Sin is sin. But it doesn't have to be a death sentence. And though my sin may be shameful to many, it's freeing to me to share what God has done! After the service I shared, I had quite a few come up to me and begin sharing their own hurts, pains, and praises. And that freedom in Christ is worth every screaming shock I took, every threat I received, and every single time I was hit, kicked, or put down. Because now I stand with Christ on my side, proudly proclaiming His love.
Here's the video from that service. Around the 48 minute mark I come on stage. But watch Phil's sermon. God speaks and it's life changing.